A Letter that Never Was!

        I'm writing everything that I've ever wanted to say to you, but I couldn't, knowing that everyone will read this except you—the one for whom I'm pouring my heart out on this paper today. 

Meeting you for the first time, I realized you were the one I've always been waiting for! The one who was the answer to all those questions—what I'm looking for in a partner? Because you were everything I've ever been looking for! 

The one for whom I've been rejecting everyone, for whom I've never settled with anyone else, for whom I've never been in a relationship. 

The one who made me realize what love actually is, how it feels to fall in love. The one whose one look is enough. And just by a glance at you, my eyes shine, my lips curl into a smile, my soul calms, my mind finds its peace, my heart finds its home, and my worries fade away... 

           Calling your name unintentionally whenever I'm worried somehow calms my mind quickly. And whenever I feel anxious and you're not around, I search for your warmth—to be in your arms, to place my hands on your chest, to have your arms around my waist, to feel secure, to calm my worries, to ease my mind, and to be able to relax. 

I find you in every beautiful thing. Just by looking at you, I get lost in my own fantasy world, a world where just the two of us exist, a world where nothing matters but the two of us, a world where you know the situation of my heart, a world where I could be in your arms, a world where I don't have to live without you. 

I close my eyes to sleep, and you're already in my bed, your arms wrapped around my waist, my hands on your chest, my forehead resting against your chin, and just like that, I drift off to sleep every night, feeling safe in your arms. Even though I know you're not around me. 

        I know you love me the most. I know you want to give me everything I've ever wanted. I know you want to provide me with the life I've ever dreamed of. I know you'd do anything to bring a smile to my face. But I guess fate had other plans. 

Despite the fact that my heart is filled with love for you, I didn't ask for you in my prayers. Perhaps I couldn't... 

        You know the saddest part—that you don't even know how I feel about you. And I don't have the courage to confess my feelings to you, to tell you that it's not one-sided, it was never one-sided. I loved you too. And I've never stopped loving you. I love you so so so much.

I wish you could read my soul and feel the depth of what I actually felt for you. You don't know how much I adore you. And maybe you'll never know. I was, I am, and I'll always be in love with you. They say first love is always incomplete, and I think they're right.

A Complex Connection

       

        I was going through my message requests on Instagram and opened a chat from a boy. He texted me a whole paragraph without saying hi or hello, or introducing himself. Instead of commenting on my post in the comments section, he DM'd me. I clicked on his profile and found him handsome. I responded with a very dry message of one or two words, then clicked back and started watching reels, totally forgetting about him. After about an hour or two, I picked up my phone and saw messages from him. We started talking and became friends.

        He told me about his single mother, whose husband had passed away years ago, and his three siblings besides him—two elder sisters who were married to very settled families and a younger brother. However, he seemed to try to create a fake perfect family background in front of me but failed, as I couldn't find anything perfect in it. I wasn't interested in his family background anyway.

        We talked for a few days until his PMA training started. During his training, I think we talked only once or twice. One time, when I made a new ID and texted him, he tried to ignore me, which gave me the vibe that he wasn't my type.

        Meanwhile, he was in contact with my sister, talking about me the whole time. He wanted to talk to me, but I was ignoring him. My sister assumed he had a crush on me and always insisted that I talk to him. I knew he had a crush on me, but I also noticed he was full of himself, which I didn't like.

        After two years of training, he became an army officer and approached me immediately. However, I didn't know he had texted me on my old ID, which I wasn't using frequently. When he got no response after days, he contacted my sister again, talking about me. This time, she convinced me to talk to him, even as friends. So, I did. Whenever he contacted me, the conversations weren't going anywhere; he would initiate, and I would reply with dry messages for one and a half month. 

        But he didn't back off. I noticed his efforts to have a conversation with me, and we became friends. I realized he was giving me all the right signals that he was interested in me. It wasn't love; we were just attracted to each other. One night, he confessed his feelings, so did I. However, he thought since I've confessed my feelings, I must be really in love with him. He took a step back, saying that we couldn't be together. He mentioned that we couldn't be together because there wasn't any guarantee of his life due to his job. In that exact moment, my dad came to my room, and I left the chat instantly to gave fully attention to him. He thought I left the chat out of sadness, grievances, or maybe embarrassment, but that wasn't the case. He sent 20-30 texts in a few minutes. Then, when I wasn't responding, he started calling me. 

        We both knew that our relationship had no future, so we were going with the flow, and we would separate when needed. 

        After some days, we were talking, and then he left a message on seen and didn't reply for weeks. He thought I might have gotten attached and would be craving his attention, but I wasn't. I didn't text him either; he was thinking maybe I would text him first, but I didn't, as I never do.

        After about two weeks, he approached again, and I replied. He was expecting a tantrum, but I was calm. Out of curiosity, he asked, "While I was gone, were you really not missing me? Aren't you hurt? Don't you want to fight?" 

I replied, "Why would I do that? You wanted to go, so you left—that's okay." He wasn't getting it; his assumptions weren't fulfilling his curiosity. 

        One day, he made a comment on my ripped jeans and said, "I can't be with a girl who loves such dressing. You've got to change your dressing sense; otherwise, we can't be together." 

He expected that now I would be attached to him and agree to whatever he said to be with him. But that wasn't the case. I replied, "Okay, then breakup. Everything will end here. Bye." 

He got confused again, wondering how it was possible that after months, I hadn't gotten attached to him. And he said, "No, I was just kidding. How could you end things so easily?" 

I replied, "You told me your rules—that you can't be with someone like me—so I just agreed. He replied, " No, no, i want to be with you".

        Days passed and then he said out of nowhere, 'What's your real name?' I looked up at him. 'The name you told me isn’t your real name,' he continued. 

'Then what's my real name?' I asked with a slight tilt in my neck. He replied with my mother's name. Since I had never told him my parents' names, I realized he must have checked whose name my SIM was registered under—it was my mom's. So, he thought I hadn't told him my real name. 'It's my mom,' I said. 

He remained quiet for a while and then said, 'Why can’t I believe you? I don’t believe you.'

I looked at him for a second, simmering with emotions that he had first checked my SIM registration and now wasn’t believing me. 'Then confirm where you got that information,' I replied, raising an eyebrow, and then I left. 

He called my name, but I ignored him. He ran after me, trying to stop me so we could talk. 'No, there’s nothing to talk about. We can’t be together. What’s the point of this relationship if you don’t believe me?' I said. He pleaded, reaching out to grab my hand. "No, don't you dare!" I said while taking a step back and left.

He messaged and called me repeatedly, the buzzing of my phone a constant reminder of his presence in my life. But I left him on 'seen,' ignoring the notifications.

        After a week or two, he approached me again, his eyes locked onto mine with an intensity that made my heart skip a beat. He claimed he had gotten a gunshot right on his heart, his voice low and serious. 

However, since he was wearing a bulletproof vest, he had been saved, though with a stain on his chest as his skin had been pressed a little because of the bullet. The thought of it sent a shiver down my spine. 

I didn't believe him, so he removed his shirt to show me. I wanted to touch that mark but chose not to. 

He wanted us to patch things up, so I said, 'Can't we just be friends? I want us to be friends. This isn't working between us.' He was like, 'No, I can't be friends with you. I love you, and that's impossible for me.'

        After some days, he started telling me about the girls who had crushes on him during our relationship to spark jealousy in me. But I was like, "Yeah, that happens. You know that friend of mine who proposed to me, right?" He replied, "Yeah." I said, 

"That was my first boyfriend," knowing I was the first girl he'd ever been attracted. He said, while controlling his emotions, "Why didn’t you tell me before?" I replied, "You never asked me." He said, "I thought I was your first love, like you're my first love." I said calmly, "No, that's not the case. He was my first love."

You've always told me I'm your weakness. How so?" I asked. 

 I think about you every moment of every day," he said, his voice filled with sincerity. 

"Whether I'm at work or the gym, you're always on my mind. I text you day and night, and I wait for your replies, counting the minutes until I hear from you. When I see something beautiful, I wish you were here to experience it with me. I take pictures and share them with you, hoping you'll feel like you're a part of it. Every stunning view, every lovely moment, reminds me of you. Watching the sunset, gazing at the cloudy sky, or seeing the moon shine bright at night – it all makes me think of you. You've become the center of my world, the first thing on my mind when I wake up and the last thing I think about before I sleep. I feel like my life revolves around you, and I didn't even realize it until you came into my life. You're the melody that fills my heart, and I don't know how to live without you".

        "I really missed you today," he said while kissing my forehead. "You know my father won't agree to us. What are we going to do?" I asked while looking into his eyes, searching for answers. "We'll find a way, just give me some time," he said, trying to assure me. 

"Whenever we talk about this, you always say that you need some time. How much time? How long? How long do I have to wait?" I asked, taking a step back. 

"I don't know. Maybe three years. Just give me three years," he said. 

I snorted and said, "You must be kidding me. I told you to choose me or your job, but what did you do? You want to be with me and continue your job too. Well, that's not going to happen." 

He held me by the elbow and pulled me toward him, saying, "I love you, just wait for some time. I'm waiting for the right time." 

I  firmly pried his fingers loose, my skin warm from his touch. With a firm motion, I pulled my arm away, breaking free from his grasp. I took a step back, my voice firmed as I said, "No, you don't love me enough. Breakup. Yeah, I want a breakup. I'm breaking up with you." 

He looked taken aback by my sudden decision, his eyes widening in surprise. "Wait, no, don't say that," he pleaded.

He grabbed me by my waist, pulled me close. His arms wrapped around my waist, his grip gentle yet firm. "Don't do this. I can't live without you," he said. 

I placed my hand on his chest, pushed him to break free from his grip, and said, 'No, it's the end. Everything ends here," and turned to walk away. 

He called my name, tried to chase me, but I got into the car. I heard him saying, "May God damn me."

He still didn't back off; he tried to approach me for months, texting me everywhere and calling me throughout the day, even at night, despite my ignoring his calls and seeing his messages without replying.

        After I broke up with him, the next week I went on a friends' trip along with my male best friend and, my ex-boyfriend before him and then he got to know about my trip. When he got to know about my trip, he was shocked. 

He thought I would be like those girls whose worlds stop for a boy, and I'll stay in bed for days and cry over our breakup. He even texted me saying, 'Here I am... suffering... from all of this... and you went on that trip. Didn't you love me a little? Didn't you get hurt over all of this?' I left him on 'seen' again.

An unknown number called. I picked up and asked, 'Who's this?' He told me his name. Realizing it was him, I hung up the call. He called me again several times, but I didn't pick up. 

Then, one day, I found out he had been in an accident during some attacks on the border. He had been shot by bullets in his left arm and shoulder. Even after three surgeries, he couldn't recover 100% in his life. Because of this, he couldn't continue his military service as per the military rules. So, he had to take retirement

"I replied to his messages to know how he was doing, and then he told me that when I last picked up his call was the time when he regained consciousness after the medical treatment. He wanted to talk to me, but I had hung up without listening to him

        

The complexity of my heart

        I still remember the day I realized my friend Ahmet had secret feelings for me. He thought he was subtle, but I caught him gazing at me lovingly. I played dumb, pretending not to notice, but deep down, I had a crush on him too. 

As I sat in a chair, engrossed in paperwork, he stood in front of me, his eyes locked on mine with adoration. His gaze was filled with heart, and in that moment, my own heart skipped a beat. I sensed his gaze on me, but I didn't dare look up. 

He fell deeply in love with my eyes, and I could sense the admiration in his gaze. Unbeknownst to him, I was aware of his admiring eyes, and he continued to look at me with such tender affection, completely unaware that I knew his secret.

Our situation was complicated. His best friend Hamad proposed to me in the first month of my university. And before proposing to me, he told literally the whole batch about his obsession with me. I asked him to wait until I completed my degree. Ahmet didn't want to betray his friend's trust, so he kept his feelings hidden.

        One day, I had a dream that changed everything. My father asked me who I had feelings for, and I smiled at Ahmet's name. The next day, I shared the dream with him while we were texting. He realized I felt the same way, manipulated me into telling the whole scenario to Hamad, and I did. Hamad was so heartbroken that he didn't want to continue at the university and decided to leave. He did so after some time. 

Before I knew it, everyone found out about the whole story, and it became the talk of the town. My girl friends started teasing us, relating our story to the Indian movie "Student of the Year." Ahmet would blush and smile, daydreaming about being with me and being my husband.

I tried to take a step back, because I got scared that it had become the talk of the town - saying I didn't love anyone and that if I did, it would be after marriage. But he was convinced we'd be the perfect couple. 

He had an ex girlfriend before, so I kept rejecting him. I even told him about this theory I believed in - the first love theory, which suggests that whoever comes into your life, you can't forget your first love. You can't unlove a person you loved at some point in your life. 

He wasn't ready to agree that it could be real. "It's real, and it happens," I said. "There's a couple in my life whom I witnessed this theory come true", I continued. He tried to ask about the couple multiple times, but I wasn't ready to tell. So, he stopped when he saw I got irritated whenever he insisted on something I wasn't ready to share.

I would tease him about his height, saying, "Look at our height difference!", as he was over 6ft tall. I couldn't find anything imperfect in him - he was tall, handsome, fair-complexioned, had "hero hair," and a perfect beard, could easily lift heavy things and ran like an athlete in the field. He looked like Flynn Rider from the movie "Tangled."

        He shared a reel with me on Instagram—a fan edit of a princess from the animated movie, "The Red Shoes and the Seven Dwarfs," where she looked so attractive that everyone else seemed captivated by her beauty. 

"Looking at her reminded me of you," he said. "Have you watched this movie?" I asked. "No, it just popped up on my feed, and it reminded me of you. So I shared it with you".

Sometimes he used to call me by two nicknames that he gave me: Sleeping Beauty, because I sleep a lot, and Repaunzel. I asked him several times why he called me Repaunzel, and every time he said, "Because of your short hair." 

I knew he was lying. I stopped asking him after sometime, but he kept calling me Repaunzel till the end of time. And I still don't know why. Since I wasn't romantically involved with him, maybe that's why he never told me.

        He always romanticized about me being in the kitchen, cooking something for him. I used to hate it, so I always got angry, and then he smiled and enjoyed seeing me angry or irritated. 

Even the next day, he came and sat in front of me as I was sitting on the terrace with the girls. I said, "Can't you stay like that? Like you behave here, being a gentleman. I don't know what happens to you whenever we chat on the phone." 

He started smiling, knowing well what I was trying to say. I continued, "I'm telling you, I'm going to block you." He started singing the line, "Main phir bhi tumko chahunga." The girls started hooting and giggling. I looked at him; he smiled proudly. 

"Well, only in your dreams," I said. "We'll see that," he said with a smirk. "Yeah, we'll see you singing 'Channa Mereya' at my wedding," I taunted. The girls started singing the song and giggling. 

"If my bride had a wish, of course I'll fulfill it. I'll sing that for you at our wedding, if you want that," he said while resting his back against the chair. The girls started hooting and giggling again. I rolled my eyes, turned my face away from him, and started looking at the lawn.

        At evening, he was teasing me again, so I blocked him after taking all my anger out on him. The next day, he arrived and joined the group, sitting almost in front of me, talking to everyone but me. No one noticed that something was off between us; he had never been like this to me. 

I started playing with the window closer as I was sitting close to the window. I got busy opening and closing it while my mind was stuck on him, thinking, "Maybe I'm wrong or I've gone too far this time. I shouldn't have behaved like this." After a while, he got up and left. 

My thoughts became more complex, thinking, "Maybe he doesn't want to see me anymore or be around me anymore. Why on earth have I been like that to him? What should I do? Or at least I should unblock him." I picked up my phone and unblocked him.

When I got home, I picked up my phone for some reason, and there was a text from him. I replied, and then he said, "I wasn't angry or upset. I was just quietly noticing you as part of an experiment. I noticed you stuck in thoughts, playing with the window." 

Simmering with emotions, I said, "I'm going to kill you, for real. Experiment? What experiment? In this big world, you only got me for your experiments? You should be thankful to God that you're not in front of me".

       ❤ I remember him standing in front of me, moving his hand toward the table beside him. He placed his fingers on the table, shifting a little weight onto them. "I really don't know what I'm feeling," I said. 

"I think I have a crush on Hamad, or maybe I'm in love with him. I don't know." He lost his balance and trembled, saying, "Oh, don't worry, you'll figure it out," despite his heart burning with emotions.

       ❤ There was a spelling mistake in my name in the university records. I submitted an application to correct it, but nothing happened. I visited the admin office around 10 am, and they asked me to bring all the required documents along with the application again by 2 pm. 

I didn't have the documents at that time, so I asked someone from home to bring them to me. I took them to the admin office right on time, but the admin officer said, "No, we can't do this. You have to submit it by parcel to the university's head office." I became furious and left the office without saying a word. 

I didn't know that Ahmet hadn't gone home, as our classes had ended an hour earlier, and he had been watching over me the whole time. When I reached home, after freshening up, I picked up my phone and saw a text from him asking what had happened. I told him the whole scenario, saying, "I furiously walked out of the office without saying a word. I was feeling so helpless." 

He replied, "Bring your documents tomorrow and hand them over to me. Now that's my concern. I'll do what I have to do. Just stay relaxed." I don't know how he managed it, but he did."

       ❤ I told him that my midterm marks were lower than expected, so I planned to talk to the teacher about it. To my surprise, he offered to come with me. When we met with the teacher, I started explaining my concerns, but he interrupted me. The teacher asked him if he wanted to discuss his own marks, and he replied that he didn't. The teacher's demeanor changed instantly, and he became angry, scolding him for speaking up unnecessarily. 

He remained silent, not uttering a word. I was watching him, feeling a mix of concern and fear about the escalating situation. However, when the teacher turned to me, his tone transformed completely – he was polite and reassuring, saying, 'Don't worry, child, I'll recheck and increase your marks. I assure you, you'll see an improvement.' After thanking the teacher, I left the room with Ahmet. 

He was talking to me as if nothing had happened, but I could sense the turmoil beneath his calm exterior. He seemed to be trying hard to hide it, and perhaps he thought he was succeeding. Yet, I saw it – the subtle disturbance that he couldn't quite conceal. In that moment, I wanted to reach out and hold his hand to comfort him, but something held me back.

         ❤ He was sitting there, scrolling through reels on his phone, when I came to him, exhausted. I plopped my notebook on the table in front of him and began scribbling something while standing beside him. 

Sensing my distress, he immediately stood up, his attention fully focused on me. With a respectful and attentive demeanor, he was ready to tackle whatever problem had brought me to him. 

After that while we were talking, and laughing. There were some papers on the table that I wanted to take from him, but he wasn't ready to give them up. 

So, he placed both his hands on the papers, and I started holding and pulling them, trying to get them out of his grip. As we tugged, the papers ripped in half, and I burst out laughing. Seeing me laugh, he giggled too.

       ❤ I had to step away to submit some papers, leaving my handbag behind. I thought I'd pick it up later but he had already noticed my bag. He picked it up and was bringing it to me, struggling to find the best way to hold it. As I finished my work, I went to retrieve my handbag, but he beat me to it. With a smile, he handed it to me. I smiled seeing him concerned not just for me but my things too.

        ❤ As usual, he was going out to get lunch for us, and I told him that I wanted to eat biryani. But when he came back with the guys, he brought biryani for everyone else but placed a fruit salad in front of me instead of biryani. I looked up at him, and he said, "Here's the fruit salad for you, as the doctor said chicken is off-limits for you..." 

In my mind, I was like, "How dare he make a decision on my behalf?" And in a moment, I started throwing a tantrum and was like, "Eat it yourself! I'm not eating this. I asked for biryani... I'm not going to eat it." He took a minute, smiled, picked up the salad, and placed the biryani in front of me, saying, "Here it is"

        ❤ As time passed, we grew closer, our bond strengthened. We started to get to know each other better, and there wasn't a single negativity in our friendship. Day after day, his love for me grew, and the whole campus knew it. Whenever I was feeling down or confused about something, he was always there for me. 

He became my therapist, my true friend, listening to me without judgment and offering words of encouragement. He would do anything to make me happy, bringing me lunch almost every single day. His friends teased him by calling him my "Foodpanda," but he felt proud doing anything for me. 

Whenever it was time to go home, he would make sure I safely got to the car. He would walk me to the parking lot, ensuring I reached my vehicle without any issues. And if the cab was late or I was running late due to my own reasons, he would wait with me, even if he had a lot on his plate. I felt grateful for his care and concern. 

He knew me so well, even my taste in shopping. He would often send me pictures of various products, asking me to choose the one I liked. When I made my selection, he would buy it and bring it to me. It was sweet gestures like these that made me feel special. 

He wasn't just a great friend to me, but also to my family. He often helped my sister with her studies, patiently explaining complex concepts until she understood. He even went to the school to admit my youngest brother, taking care of all the paperwork and formalities. When my other brother needed help with legal paperwork for his bike, he took care of that too. 

I must admit, I was the one who always started the fights with him. No matter the reason, if I was angry, stressed, emotional, upset, or irritated - even if it was just because of a sickness - I would take it out on him. I would argue and fight with him, and he would deal with me so calmly. He never retaliated or matched my level of anger. Instead, he would listen patiently, trying to understand my perspective, and offer words of comfort and reassurance.

        ❤ A guy from our batch came to me to tell me that he's in love with me and wants to marry me. I was telling him that I have no interest in him and can't accept his proposal. Meanwhile, Ahmet arrived and stood a little far from us. 

He somehow knew the reason the guy approached me, and he was simmering with jealousy, wanting to kick that guy out of his sight but couldn't do that because of me, as I never allowed him to interfere in my life. 

After a few minutes, he came over, picked up his bag and laptop, which were placed beside me, took a few seconds longer than usual to interrupt our conversation, and then went back to where he was standing before, waiting for me to get free.

He knew my tendency to get crushes quickly and then lose them after a week or two. He was aware of all my crushes, and yet, he never judged me or made me feel silly for it. Instead, he would smile and tease me gently, showing a humility and understanding that I admired. 

Despite knowing my fleeting crushes, he remained patient and constant, hoping that one day I would see him in a different light. He always said he'd be ready for me whenever I'm ready to date or marry him. 

       That one time, I remember him sitting beside me, fully attentive and looking at me as my best friend walked in. My eyes lit up with a smile as I saw our best friend Ahad. However, Ahmet had noticed that that I got excited whenever Ahad was around me. As we chatted, he said, 'You know your eyes shine when you see your favorite people.' 

Hearing this, I instinctively looked down, knowing that my eyes never sparkled when I looked at him. He knew it too, but still waited for that moment when I would look at him like that, but it never came.

        I never allowed him to talk to me romantically. He used to share his feelings about me with his female best friend Zahida. Somehow, once I got to read their chat, they were talking about me. She was upset with him, saying how he helped me with my studies and didn't think of anyone else. 

She had found out that he prepared the whole lesson before meeting me, so when I needed help preparing my lesson, he could assist me. I would text him all my questions or problems, and he'd send me solved numericals, along with voice messages clearing up the concepts, even at midnight. 

And how he's doing everything for me – from printing notes to bringing books, from stationery to my accessories, from snacks to food, from skincare to clutches. She said that his world revolved around me, that he was doing everything for me, and I wasn't even in love with him. She told him that I had wrapped him around my finger, asking him about his intentions with me and whether he was going to marry me. 

And he was like, 'Even she doesn't love me like that. I love her, and I love her so much. She's like the daylight that has brightened my life. That's what matters. Let her treat me however she wants; I'll happily do anything for her. And yeah, I'll marry her whenever she's ready, Insha'Allah"

        To complete assignments, we divided into groups every semester. In the initial semesters, Ahmet was in my group, but I think in our 4th semester, I didn't choose him to be in my group because we had a fight and I didn't want to work with him. He remained quiet and didn't say a word; his female friend Zahida added him to her group. 

However, when we patched things up, he said, "Whatever happens, happens. I'm not going to leave again, even if we have an argument. I promise that from now on, whenever there's grouping, we'll be together." But when we had to form groups of four in the next semester, Zahida tried to add him to her group again. 

However, I wanted him to be with me as promised. The issue was that the slots in my group were already filled because Ahad also wanted to join my group. Meanwhile, Zahida's group had only three members, leaving space for Ahmet. He wanted to join my group, but Zahida was not willing to let him go at any cost. 

She thought that if she involved the professor, I would give up, but when she did involve him, I asked the professor if Ahmet could join our group. The professor smiled and rearranged the groups, removing Ahad from my group and adding him to Zahida's, while adding Ahmet to mine.

        ❤ When I look back, I see some glimpses of us. Like whenever I had to talk, he would move a step or two down or point me so I could move a step or two above him, so there would be less height difference between us, and he could listen to me carefully.

One time, he was sitting a step below me as we were sitting on the stairs. He was busy helping me clear up some concepts from a lesson and solving problems in a notebook. I could listen to him, but my mind wasn't analyzing anything he said because my eyes were fixed on his injured knuckles as the pen flowed in his hand. Questions raised in my mind. 

"Got it?" he asked as he finished explaining the concept. I looked at him and shook my head. He smiled and said, "What's on your mind?" "These injuries on your hand," I said, my voice barely above a whisper. "I told you before to just send me the voice notes, as usual. You know I can't focus like that." He smiled and said, "Okay, I'll send the voice notes".

As he was telling me about how he got the injuries, the topics varied and veered off course, and then we were discussing eye color. "Look in my eyes, I've got the same brown eyes as yours," he said, knowing he had pure black eyes. "No... it's... it's black," I said while looking into his eyes. He didn't say a word and kept smiling at me, and then I realized he had tricked me into looking into his eyes.

After that I walked into class late, and everyone was already chatting, laughing, and having a great time. As I entered, I overheard Ahad teasing Ahmet, saying he was practicing household chores because he was going to marry a girl who wouldn't lift a finger. The whole class erupted in laughter. 

Ahad continued joking, saying Ahmet would have to massage her feet every day, or else she'd cook him in a pot. Everyone burst into laughter again, but Ahmet's response left me stunned: 'Well, What's the big deal? Yeah, I'll massage her feet.' I was speechless. I blushed a little but tried to control it.

        ❤ We were walking out of our class, and I asked him if we could talk. He gestured with his hand toward the entrance of the lawn. We went to the lawn, stood there, and I asked, "Are you really serious about me?" 

He replied, "Of course! What of my action made you think otherwise?" 

I said, "No, it's not that. You know I'm not a productive type. I don't do household chores, and I get bored easily, so maybe I won't be able to hold a job either."

He smiled and said, "I know. I know everything. And yes, despite everything, I still want to marry you. I want you as my wife. You don't need to do anything. I'll handle everything. You won't need to worry about anything." 

"And most importantly, I can manage everything, achieve every success as long as you're with me", he added.

I blushed, a wave of calm washed over me, my lips curled into a smile, tried to hide it but failed and said," Whenever I think of getting married, I'll marry you. I want to marry you soon after our BS and that I had no energy to study further or do anything; I just wanted to marry you and settle." 

He stood there with his arms crossed, his loving gaze fixed on me, a wide smile spreading across his face, nodding and in a warm and reassuring tone, saying, "Yes, we'll do it. Soon after our BS. I'll handle everything." He was so happy, his face lit up with a radiant smile. His eyes sparkled with happiness, and he looked like he had won the world.

He once visited my home, and after discussing things randomly with me, he discovered that I like closed or covered houses like mine. He rebuilt his entire house, as his original one had a large open area in the center. He even renovated the whole portion according to my preferences. When it was complete, he made a video of the entire portion and sent it to me, asking if I liked it and seeking my opinion or suggestions for the interior and furniture arrangement. 

I told him from the start that my father wouldn't approve of us because he had nothing. He assured me that he'd work hard, and he did. He achieved everything: built a house, started a business, bought two cars, and was about to get a degree. But nature had other plans. The week he bought his second car, I broke up with him.

[November]:  After almost a year, everything changed. I met someone new and fell in love instantly. I was too scared to accept my feelings, fearing that loving someone else meant I was cheating on my boyfriend. 

[January]: So, I broke up with him without giving a reason, leaving him confused and concerned.

[February]: After a month of leaving Ahmet, I got into a relationship with that new guy. [August]: That relationship lasted for about 6 months, and then I broke up with him too.

For all these months, Ahmet tried to reach out to me, sensing that something was wrong. He knew me too well and could tell that I was hiding something. I gave him lame excuses, but he didn't believe them. He suspected that there might be someone else, but he didn't expect me to be in a full-fledged relationship.

[October]: And one day, he overheard me talking to Ahad about my recent relationship. He was shocked and hurt, realizing that his suspicions were true. I saw the devastation in his eyes, the weight of my betrayal crushing him. He was consumed by a deep sadness and grief, his spirit broken by the lies I told and the trust I shattered. Confusion and self-doubt etched his face, as he struggled to understand how I could deceive him so thoroughly. I knew I was the cause of his pain, and it was hard to bear the weight of that knowledge. He was lost and alone, unsure of how to move forward or if he even wanted to, and I was the one who put him there. 

        I still think about him, the one who was patient and kind, who saw the best in me. I showed him the darkness in me, yet he looked at me like I was the sun. But in actual, he was the sunshine, and I was like a midnight rain. I hope he's found his own happiness, and I wish him all the best. After all this time, I still want to see him one last time, to talk to him one last time, to confess the hurt that I've done to him, to apologize for ruining every beautiful thing that ever happened between us, and to tell him that I'm really sorry to shatter our sweet little dreams. But at the same time, I don't find the courage to be around him, to see him, to talk to him, to confess the hurt I've done to him, to apologize for ruining everything.

        As I walk away from the memories of what could have been, I can't help but wonder what the future holds. Will I find love again? Will I learn to love myself more? The questions swirl in my mind like the leaves rustling in the autumn wind. And then, I smile. Because I know that life is full of surprises, and love is always around the corner. But for now, I'm content with the unknown, with the possibility of what's to come. The memories of our time together still linger, a bittersweet reminder of what could have been. I hope that someday, I'll find a love like that again, one that will stay with me forever.

My Last Letter to You

  As I sit down to write this letter, I'm overwhelmed with emotions, memories, and what-ifs. I'm consumed by the memories of what we had and what we could've been. From the moment I met you, I knew I was in trouble - the kind of trouble that makes your heart skip beats and your soul feel alive. I was swept away by the possibility of us, of what we could be. But deep down, I knew you didn't love me enough. Your off-energy was a constant reminder that I was just an option, not a priority. Yet, I chose to ignore it, believing that someday, somehow, you'd come around. Someday, you'd see me, really see me, and love me for who I am. But someday never came. I held on to the hope that someday you would put in the effort, but that day never came.

In our relationship, your words were laced with promises of effort and devotion, but they remained just that – empty words. The countless times you whispered 'I love you' in my ear, but it was all a lie. The sweet nothings, romantic whispers, and forever vows were nothing but a facade. Your sweet talk was a mere illusion, a web of lies that I foolishly believed. Our late-night calls, which lasted 7-8 hours, and the countless hours we spent texting, all feel like a waste of time now. Because, in the end, you never truly loved me. Your constant appearances and disappearances in my life were draining. You left my messages on read, spent weeks without any interaction, only to return as if nothing had happened. Despite knowing that your behavior gave me anxiety, you showed no concern. You treated my heart like a hotel room, checking in and out at your convenience. Didn't you miss me even once during those periods Didn't you think of me, even briefly? Didn't you love me enough to care? Didn't you realize, even once, that you were hurting me? Did you ever consider my feelings?

I remember the excuses I made and the justifications I created to ease the ache in my heart. I was so invested that I couldn't see the truth. I recall when you said I deserved better, and I thought, "I deserve you." But now, I believe you were right. I truly deserve someone better - someone who will love me like I'm the only woman on earth. I wanted to be your everything, but to you, I was just an option.

You must think very highly of yourself. You believed I'd overhaul my entire being for your love – from my words to my wardrobe. That I'd transform into someone else - adopting your preferred way of speaking, thinking, and dressing. You even thought you'd control my social media presence, dictating my profile picture and insisting that I should maintain a private account, despite knowing I'm an extrovert. But that's not all. You tried to restrict my social life, advising me against making friends, socializing, or enjoying 'girly' activities, simply because you deemed them a waste of time. It's astonishing you didn't understand that loving someone means accepting them for who they are, not trying to change or dictate their every move. Your love comes with conditions, and that's not love at all.

I used to believe that your conversations with other girls were merely a ploy to spark my possessiveness, but I was mistaken. Now i realized i shouldn't be jealous, you aren't even mine. The truth is, you were never loyal to me or any other girl. Your actions were driven by self-interest, and you prioritized your own desires above all else. You are, and have always been, self-centered. Your actions were cruel, thoughtless, and selfish. You played with my emotions, and now I'm left picking up the pieces.

You've always told me that you won't leave me. I believed you, thinking it was romantic. But after being with you, I've realized that you're going to hurt me so much that I'll be the one to end this relationship, the one who'll walk out.

You knew your mom would never approve of us, that she'd never accept me because of our different castes. You knew the obstacles, yet you still pursued me, still professed your love, still wasted my time. You approached me, showed interest, and said you loved me, all while knowing your family would never agree. Was it a game to you? You spent countless hours texting, calling, and telling me how much you miss me. But what was the point? You knew it was doomed from the start. You strung me along, feeding me empty promises and false hope. And then, you had the audacity to talk about having kids with me. You strung me along, feeding me empty promises and false hope. Love, kids, a future – all lies. Why did you do this to me? Why did you pretend our love had a chance? How could you be so reckless with my emotions?

    I still remember the time I broke up with you. For two months, you bombarded me with texts, Instagram reels, and calls throughout the day and night. You even tried to reach me through different apps, but I never responded. During that time, I kept myself occupied to avoid processing my emotions. I reconnected with old friends, went on trips, attended meetings, and worked non-stop. But when my life returned to normal after two months, reality hit me hard. I fell ill with a high fever and spent days in bed, reflecting on what had happened and what could have been. That's when I realized you never truly loved me; you were just playing with my feelings. 

    Ugh, you know the WORST type of men - those who only want a relationship for their own entertainment, but can't commit to marriage! They're always making excuses, like 'I need time to establish myself' or 'I need to be successful first.' And when you finally break free and try to move on, they just WON'T LEAVE YOU ALONE! Same goes for you. You were always so eager to start a relationship, but only for your own entertainment! You never intended to take it seriously or commit to marriage. And when I finally gather the strength to break free from your grasp and move on, YOU WON'T LEAVE ME ALONE! 

Newsflash: I'm done with your lies, excuses, and manipulation! 

    I'm left to wonder... what did I do wrong? Was I not enough? Was I not beautiful enough? Was I not pretty enough? Did my appearance not meet your standards? Was my love not enough? Did I not deserve to be loved? Was I just a temporary fix, a fleeting moment in your life? Do I really not deserve someone who loves me for who I am? Someone who cherishes my quirks, my flaws, and my strengths? Someone who sees beauty in my imperfections? Was I just a convenience, a mere option for you? Did you ever truly see me, or was I just a blur in your life?

    As I say goodbye, I'm overwhelmed with grief. All I'm left with is a heart full of pain and a soul that's lost its trust. I'm letting go of the what-ifs, the maybes, and the hopes. I wish I could turn back time and make you love me, but life doesn't work that way. It's time for me to move on.